Sunday, January 16, 2011
Well the moment has finally arrived to enlighten everyone on the various "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants if for no other reason than because I don't feel like griping about the outboard motor mounted on the transom of my boat.
I'll save my griping for another day but for now I feel a compelling need to perform a much needed public service and elaborate on other protocol tenants that I haven't previously blogged about.
Never mind whether or not these tenants have anything to do with boating or sailing or cruising or whatever... it's my blog and I'll blog about whatever I good and well please.
This is by no means a comprehensive listing of all the plausible booty-call tenants and I'm sure that there may indeed be others that I've yet to become aware of. Nevertheless I'll explain a few "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants that readily come to mind for your enlightenment.
Topping the list of the various "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants is "Don't Delay the Walk of Shame". Yeah I know... I've already explained this tenant awhile back in September but it's still worth another look if anything for the sake of completeness.
Dude... and especially you as well girlfriend. Don't delay the inevitable and linger around in the morning. No matter how pleasurable the prior evening might have been, you need to get on with your day.
Don't hang around for a cup of coffee or even for the alarm clock to go off. Just slip your garments back on and be on your way. You can always send a salacious text message afterwards stating just how badly you're wanting to hook up again.
Don't worry whether or not any neighbors might have noticed anything untowards going on either. It's already too late for that and there ain't nothing you can do about it. Just get you're butt on out of there.
Second on the list of "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants is "Live Close but Visit Often". Dude... just because she enjoys your occasional company doesn't mean that she wants you loitering around 24-7. She wants you to "Git & Split". So put away that TV remote back where you found it and go watch your sporting event elsewhere.
She doesn't want you lingering around for the sake of lingering and much less hovering all day just for the hell of it. She's got things to do and places to go.
If it's companionship that she's seeking, she'll get a cat. Either that or she'll let you know in many subtle different ways.... and if that happens to be the case, then we're no longer talking about "Booty-Call, Protocol" but rather a "Relationship" which is something entirely different.
"Don't Mother Otherwise You Just Might Smother"... is third on my list of "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants and applies especially to the ladies.
Ladies... don't get carried away caring for his every perceived whim. He's there for one compelling reason and that is for the pooty and a little bit of down time. Don't be endlessly chattering while he's trying to watch Sports Center either. That featured baseline dunk has got his complete attention and he's only just pretending to hear what you have to say.
What's more is that if he might happen to want more chips and salsa then he'll be sure to graciously accept another serving. Either that or he'll get up and go help himself to some more... and if he refuses another pillow, let it go at that and stop insisting that he have another pillow. He doesn't want another fricking pillow. Like I said... he's there for the pooty so go easy on all the mothering.
Fourth on the list of "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants is "Never Make Someone a Priority When They've Only Made You an Option".
Listen up peoples... this is an important tenant and applies equally to both girl-peoples and guy-peoples. If he or she starts backing away from the booty-call relationship, then it's time to back away as well. No matter how enticing all those late night hook-ups might have been, you have to accept that it is now a thing of the past and move on.
Don't get all mushy and crap like that. It ain't gonna change a damned thing. Just accept the situation for what it is and move along... and if he or she suggests that you both just be "bar-buddies" with one another and nothing else, then you need to counteract that noise by making the other person but another fellow "bar-fly".
"Bar-fly" in the sense that any and all subsequent interaction is civil yet completely toned down just like you'd interact with any other random bar patron. Limit any and all conversations to "whad-up?", "hey there" or perhaps a "how's it going" in the form of a statement and go seat yourself at the other end of the bar.
It goes without saying that if you've become but another "bar-buddy", it's because the other person has made someone else a priority and you just have to let it go.
Fifth on my list of "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants is "No Shoplifting the Pooty"... as in going to the same well too often with someone struggling to raise a kid... and whether or not I might have shoplifted this tenant from the movie "Jerry McGuire" is not a matter of concern here.
What matters is that single moms have other priorities and it certainly ain't you dude. You just might think that because you made all the right moves and because she continues to welcome you on over that it's all about another booty-call. But it ain't dude... she's sizing you up as to whether or not you might make a suitable daddy for her kid.
Ain't nothing wrong with that and "Sometimes Being a B*tch is All that a Woman's Got to Hang on To" to quote a Stephen King line. So dude... operate with extreme caution here because shoplifting the pooty just ain't right.
Last on my listing of protocol tenants is, "Don't Ask a Question that you Might not Want to Hear the Answer to."
Hey girlfriend... tap on the brakes if only for a little bit. This "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenant is self explanatory and it goes without saying that the answer to the question that you're aching to ask is not in the least what you will want to hear.
Remember dear, he's there for the pooty and is not concerned in the least of what might lay ahead six months down the road... and dude, that goes for you to. It works both ways so be sensible and accept the occasional hook-up relationship for what it is.
So dude, don't go asking any mushy-clingy questions because she might just drop your sorry a** and never even bother to tell you about it.
And there you have it!... a preliminary listing of "Booty-Call, Protocol" tenants... my public service deed for the day. Feel free to thank me for my enlightening commentary if you so choose.
(Incidentally my shirt is a big-fat lie... I'm such a dog that I'd even sleep with Sarah Palin even if she is mentally retarded... oopps, I didn't mean to say mentally retarded... I meant to say intellectually challenged. My bad.)