Sunday, March 25, 2012
It occurred to me while cruising on my bike the other day that there must be close to a gazillion signs to be read all throughout Key West.
And while a good many of these signs can be found on store fronts and bars, others can be readily seen stuck on bumper stickers and tourists T-Shirts.
So yeah... there are "Signs, Signs, Everywhere are Signs, Breaking Up the Scenery, Breaking My Mind, Do This, Don't Do That"... to quote the lyrics of an old Seventies song.
In any event, here are but a few signs that readily come to mind.
Slow Down, This Ain't the Mainland
Yeah dude.. slow down... What's you're hurry?... you're already here. Goodness gracious dude... all dem scantily clad babes ain'ts going away just yet so ya need to tap on the brakes.
Balance the Budget... Tax Marijuana
Interesting concept, but don't count on me to help balance the budget by taxing weed. I'm too old for that sh*t and prefer that my brains not be all muddled up come daybreak.
Doing My Part to Piss Off the Religious Right
Now here is a sign that gives me a chuckle every time I come across it....
Der ain't many right-wing, religious zealots if any down here in the Keys which is certainly a good thing as far as I am concerned... You'll just have to drive on up through the hinterlands of central and northern Florida before ya come across any of these folks.
And don't worry about not readily recognizing any of these rabid nutcases for they be the ones spending a good part of their day on one knee Tebowing.
I Get It Everyday
Hmmm... I'm not sure what "It" might be for this is Key West and ya just might not want to be getting whatever that one particular fellow might be getting everyday.
Yep... there be a "live and let live" mindset down this way but no thanks... I don'ts wanna "take a walk on the wild side" if in fact this is what this sign might be implying.
Ban Country Music
Well heck, I kinda like Country Music... in small doses at least... and yeah man, I be the one singing an occasional karaoke country song at Two Friends come Friday night while smiling into the webcam.
So no dude, let's not ban country music just yet and don't anybody scoff at karaoke on a Friday night for dats' where all the mature, sensible, attractive ladies like to hang out for a little social diversion and a few laughs.
Mile Marker 0
Well this is pretty much self explanatory and ain't any statement insofar as I can tell... it just lets everybody know that you drove all the way down to the Keys until the road came to a dead end and that you couldn't drive any further. (Ooopps... wrong pic... for dat be a channel marker and not a mile marker.)
Support Your Right to Arm Bears
Kinda funny.... and a bumper sticker most unlikely to ever be seen on any vehicle driven by one of the many disgruntled, retired Navy fuddies-duddies here in Key West. Their vehicles can often be seen sporting an NRA decal or something derisive about President Obama being a Socialist or the like.
Nice People Swallow
Another sign that gives one pause and one that can be thought of as a tad bit unpalatable even if this is Key West.
Warning. Islands Under Surveillance At All Times
That's right dude... your ass is under constant surveillance whether ya know it or not and every movement you make is duly reported to the Department of Homeland Security.
See the Lower Keys on your Hands and Knees
This is indeed Key West and for whatever reason it ain't uncommon to see tourists bellying up to a bar, order a round of shots only to then follow that up with a big celebratory scene while simultaneously slamming the shots down their collective throats.
And as my lady-friend from up on Marco Island likes to say, "Get Drunker, Stupider, Faster".
Well heck, just the other day I saw a patron slamming down one shot after another while hurling gratuitous F-bombs... and when asked by a bartender to tone it down the patron proceeded to get all indignant and boastfully announce that he was a New Jersey police officer and no cops from Key West would ever think to mess with him before he strode on out of that bar while hurling a few more F-Bombs along the way.
Dude... I mean Mr. Officer... Key West cops love nothing better than to bust an out of state officer for public intoxication... especially one with attitude from "up north" wherever that might be. Consider yourself forewarned.
Came On Vacation, Left On Probation
Uh oh... that same officer was reportedly last scene wearing a t-shirt stating the above. Oh well...
No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem... You're in Key West.
Hmmm... I for one don't give a rat's ass whether or not this is Key West... Dude... put your shirt on.... that outlandish tattoo your sporting on your fat gut ain't disguising the fact that you be but a lardass with an attitude...
So dude... put your shirt on... 'cause ya ain't impressing anybody with that moronic tattoo displayed across your hairy back.
Speed Up, Not Everybody Here is a Tourist
Yeah man, quit poking along and speed up... That beach ain't going away any time soon and neither are those well oiled, tanned babes wearing little more than a skimpy thong. So dude... take your foot off the brake.
Relax Gringo, I'm Here Legally
This message is self-explanatory but if you should ever want to clear out your favorite sports bar of any and all San Antonio Spurs fans, then just emphatically shout out, "Ëmigracion! ... Viene la Migra!"
But be sure to stand back on out of the way when you do so for otherwise you run the risk of getting trampled upon when all those Spur fans clear on out through the back door. Hey, what can I say other than it works for me every time.
You Can't Drink All Day Unless You Start in the Morning
Yep, drinking first thing in the morning is what tourist be doing...
I Like Girls that Like Girls
Dude, though this sign might sound good in theory, ya better take a closer look at the chic sporting the razor sharp buzz cut, combat boots and leather accessories before hitting on her girlfriend... for she might wanna take you out back and kick the crap outta you and leave you lying senseless alongside the Harley that she and her girlfriend rode in on earlier in the week.
It's Only Kinky the First Time You Do It
Hmmm... once again, no thanks... and nope... I don't ever wanna go there...
Nevertheless I do knows that the difference between sexy and kinky is that sexy is when you use a feather and kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
I've Got the Pu$$y so I Make the Rules
Damned right girl... no arguments here... anything you say dear!
Tell Your Boobs to Quit Staring at My Eyeballs
Yeah girl... you're boobs are making me nervous... so tell dem "girls" of yours to quit staring at me... Enough already!
(Incidentally, the definition of Grammar is knowing your Sh*t and knowing you're Sh*t... not that you didn't already know this.)
Spill, Baby, Spill
Bumper sticker spotted on the back of a pickup truck with Texas plates. Well heck... why would you expect any different?
I Support PETA... People Eating Tasty Animals
Now here's another bumper sticker most likely to be found adorning a pickup truck with Texas plates... but I happen to kinda like it for dat be why peoples be up at da top of da food chain.
Supporting Single Moms One Dollar at a Time
Oh gawd... sorry dear but dat just ain't my kind of scene. I'll just have to leave it up to the tourists to do all the ogling.
Few things are worse than hearing some burly disc jockey screaming into a microphone while extolling a crowd of drunken dudes to shout "Hell Yeah!".
Nope... I'd much rather go sing karaoke and hopefully meet up with someone that might actually take a personal interest in me and not in what I might have nestled in my wallet.
I'm On a Boat
Yeah, yeah, yeah and I've heard this before and nobody gives a rat's ass... What does that make you... special?
Yep, this being Key West, everything is Southernmost whether it be a law office, an ice cream parlor or a massage parlor for that matter.
So there you have it folks... commonly seen signs and bumper stickers throughout Key West along with my unsolicited commentary! ... Me hopes dat ya'll have been enlightened!
Yep... I be but a Bar Stool Sailor.
"And the Sign Says Long-Haired Creepy People Need Not Apply"... "Can't You Read the Sign"!